Neuroscientists have discovered that it takes 20-30 days of repetition before new beliefs feel normal. This has to do with neural pathways, which is the shape of the gray matter in our brain. Imagine water following a certain path. The more it flows down that path, the more it erodes that waterway and the more likely it is that the water will continue taking that route. With thoughts it’s quite the same.

 

The older we are, the more effort it takes to change a belief. For one, because the body and brain become less flexible with time. On top of that, the beliefs have been the same longer and the pathways have become ingrained.

 

Another aspect affecting the time it takes to change your beliefs and subsequent perceptions, thoughts and emotions, is our expectation. If we believe we can’t change or beliefs, it will hinder the process.

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Now, suppose you find a book that appears solid and you decide to read it. What you read truly resonates and you decide to put the advice into practice, when is the right time to evaluate if it’s worth continuing?

 

Smart commitment

Our survey among readers of self-development books showed that almost everyone “follows their feeling” when it comes to commitment. However, when you’re on the path to improving your life quality, you’re basically trying to break a pattern; this can be in the way you think, behave, feel, or all of them. This means that there will be resistance at some point, even if you find yourself the right book or method.

 

Here lies the difficulty, because any book or method that’s not right for you will also create resistance within you, making it rather difficult for you to know when to continue or when to stop.

 

In the heat of the moment, when emotions are at play, it’s the most difficult moment during the process to find clarity about the decision to either continue or quit. That’s where preparation comes in.

 

People follow one of two default strategies when they commit (vaguely) to a practice, based on which I call them quitters and pushers. Both quitting and pushing are suboptimal approaches that often leave a feeling of shame or disappointment, regardless of how the process goes.

 

The first type of people seems to quit when they experience resistance. They believe to be following their feeling, which is actually an emotion. In the end, quitters can dedicate their whole life to growth and never get there, because they never get out of their comfort zone.

 

The second type is the exact opposite. They have no clear commitment either and therefore always feel like a quitter if they stop. They can go on for months, even years, with practices that hardly lead to anything, still feeling they should continue. People with this attitude see no logical possibility to ever stop, for stopping will always be accompanied with a feeling of remorse.

 

Optimizing your commitment is not rocket science. One way to do it that I’ve found easy and effective is writing down the following items:

1. A realistic outcome you intend to produce, considering your circumstances, age, experience, prerequisites (such as a feeling of safety) and beliefs about changing beliefs;

2. The effort and the period of time you commit to, again with the same considerations, and;

3. The challenges you expect on your way and the protocol to prevent being hijacked by emotions.

 

When committing, also take into account the level of immersion you feel that might be required for the change. Compare it with boiling an egg. We can turn on and off the gas a minute a time and use an entire bottle without getting the water boiling. Or, we can heat the water for 5 or 6 minutes and have a boiled egg. Similarly, a shift in consciousness might require a different type of temporary dedication than an effort to become better at rule setting as a parent.

 

Smart evaluation

When you do this, you can almost put the evaluation moment in your agenda. One rule of thumb with self-development is that the more you evaluate during your practice, the less effective it will be. Thus, you must ideally refrain from doing so.

 

However, if you don’t decide when to evaluate, then too you can get into all sorts of trouble. One thing that could happen is you ride the wave of euphoric emotions and stay hooked on a practice that’s costing you a lot of money while never delivering the results you hope to get. That’s why I always suggest taking a short cooling down period after you fulfill your commitment.

 

Using the results

Should the results be formidable – beyond your expectations – then it’s quite obvious what to do. Renew your commitment, perhaps indefinitely. But keep in mind the concept called “kill your Buddha”. It means that the teacher or technique that was once the exact thing you needed to grow can sooner or later become your obstacle for further growth. It’s often compared to dragging a boat with you on land because it helped you so well with crossing water.

 

When the results are not as what you expected, there are a few aspects to look at:

1. Your impression of your execution; did you fulfill your commitment?

2. Your impression of the duration of your commitment; was it long enough or do you expect better results with a prolonged commitment?

3. Do you still believe in the method?

 

In case you doubt the method, one final step is required: a reevaluation of your own core beliefs. For example, if we take the Eckhart Tolle book again, and we feel we fulfilled the commitment more than well and that our 3 months alone in a cabin in the woods was a sufficient commitment, we might conclude that our (and Tolle’s) idea about egos or awakening is incorrect. Or, perhaps we did achieve what Tolle projected, but we’re still unhappy. This requires us to update our mental model of yourself, happiness and/or perhaps even existence at large.

 

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