Avoiding discomfort is often the (hidden) motive for our behavior. We often don't even notice when we give up a sliver of authenticity to gain a little more comfort in our circumstances, like in what we express, how we appear and even what we perceive. Our minds are capable of creating emotional payoffs by altering our perception of reality. If it works once, it works twice and before you know, a habit is born.

 

A downside of trading authenticity for comfort, is that deep down we know we're doing it. Another big downside is that we eventually run out of ways to avoid discomfort and by then, we've lost the ability to tolerate it. Even the slightest exposure to discomfort already feels overwhelming and we develop a fear of anything that might cause a similar feeling. This gradually translates into neuroses.

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What happens is that we begin to alter our reality in a similar way a stage hypnotist can alter our perception. This is called cognitive dissonance. We self-hypnotize and treat this altered perception as real. Only, the outside world doesn't function in accordance with this reality and will behave in ways our mental model can't explain. This could make us feel even more unsafe and hyper-vigilant to potential discomfort.

 

The way out isn't easy but neither is it complicated – it's just a few steps away:

• Learn to be comfortable with discomfort

• Get real again about previous alterations of reality so they can dissolve

• Go through the pain of letting go of compensatory behaviors

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The end result is that your mind will feel clear again and you'll feel relieved. Perhaps you may also feel a little ashamed for a while, but even that no longer bothers you.

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Safety First

First, you need a safe environment where you can playfully expose yourself to anything uncomfortable that allows you to sit unreactive and simply feel the sensation (you'll probably want to burst out laughing to release tension), without overwhelming you. These experiences falsify your conditioned belief that discomfort is intolerable and should be avoided at all costs.

 

In the process, you'll organically learn how focusing your attention and/or changing your breathing patterns creates the highest threshold for discomfort. Once it becomes easy, you can play with variables such as the duration of each round, having more than one person around or even doing this in a public place. The point is to keep finding the new threshold of what is just comfortable enough for you to sit and absorb the waves of funny feeling.

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From Training to Practice

Then, after establishing some discomfort tolerance in a playful manner with meaningless content, you can start introducing reality checks. What that means, is acknowledging aspects of yourself that you try to hide from the world and perhaps even from yourself. Start with writing them down, just for yourself. Face your secrets and inauthentic traits, and contemplate giving them up, either by sharing those secrets or by giving up your inauthentic behavior. Just consider it and process the discomfort as you did with your playful exposure practice.

 

Also, if it feels right, ask other people to be completely honest about their thoughts about you. Let them share their opinions, just as a reality check. You may disagree with them, but one thing you can't disagree on is that this is how they really feel about you. Own it – appreciate it as an opportunity to increase your tolerance for discomfort, which sets you free.

 

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Clean out the Closet

Finally, after all the reality checks have been processed, and if it feels like a liberating last step, you can give up (some of) your secrets, insecurities, the things you're ashamed of, the compensatory habits you can't give up yet, your repressed thoughts and ways of expressing yourself. You become the real you and live with any consequential discomfort while perhaps feeling comforted by the knowledge that you're finally fully authentic.

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The payoff of these practices is that you can feel more at ease with yourself, have to scan your environment less for the possibility of overwhelming discomfort and your subconscious mind will reveal more of its content, allowing you to process old fears, shame or to find out your true passions (your purpose).

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